// Saved from C.I.N: Hard Dickin'

And I thought this was completely lost to me...

Back on C.I.N., many, many moons ago, I participated in a Fake Fan Fiction Contest, whereupon the contestants wrote Fan Fiction pieces about someone else in the improv community. A lot of the authors chose each other as subjects, and indeed, I was written to have gay buttsex with Mark Henderson, in a piece that I won't reprint here.

Me? I aimed my spotlight a little higher and settled on Andy Dick as my subject.

(I should say that I have nothing personal against AD, by the way. In fact, I pretty much love everything he did on NewsRadio. I'm unfamiliar with the rest of his body of work. The references that I drop to him in this article, all came from IMDB.)

What follows is my contribution to the contest, "Hard Dickin'" It's the awkwardly tender tale of a fat, lusty young lass who brushes moth-like against the bright, shining flame that was Improv Superstar Andy Dick. They "meet cute", get closer, have Incredible Sex and then he Dies Tragically. Which pretty much follows the precise formula of most fan-fiction.

I like this piece. I struggled to maintain a believable "girls" voice and sometimes, I pull it off. It's pretty inventive and by the end, everyone involved looks like a bit of a tool. Improvisers, Celebrities, Vampire Role Players, Busty Girls, they ALL take a hit in this little number. The sex scene alone, still makes me laugh.

Please enjoy, "Hard Dickin'."

HARD-DICKIN!

Chapter 1: Guess Who's Coming To Improv Class?
‘‘I have good news for you guys,’’ said Jason Chin. Jason is the head of the IO Training Center. He’s a nice guy, even if I caught him looking down my shirt once. I have large, perfect breasts, sometimes I even don't wear a bra, so I catch lots of guys checking me out. When I caught Jason, I said, ‘‘See anything you like?’’ He turned bright red, but he took 50$ off of my Level 5B registration, to make it up to me.

‘‘Your 5B show is going to be something really special. An IO alumni is in town to film a major motion picture and he’s going to play with you in your 5B show.’’

‘‘Please let it be Andy Dick. Please let it be Andy Dick.’’ I thought.

‘‘It’s Andy Dick.’’

I spit up a little bit of my Diet Coke onto my large chest.

‘‘Are you all right, Anita?’’ asked Jason.

‘‘I’m fine. I just swallowed some Coke the wrong way.’’

‘‘Anyways, he’s in town to film his new movie, ‘‘HardBallin’’ and he wants to come play with an IO show. TJ and Dave said that his energy wouldn’t work in their show. And he doesn’t know anyone on the current teams. So, he’s going to come play in your 5B showcase. It’s a great opportunity to learn from one of the masters.’’ "

It’s a great opportunity to nail one of the masters", I thought. I couldn’t have suspected how right I would turn out to be.

Chapter 2: I explain things to Gretta!

‘‘Who is Andy Dick? Is he an actor in the porno movies?’’ asked my beautiful friend, Gretta. She’s from Switzerland. She has long legs and loves to show them off. ‘‘Because, to me, his name sounds like a porno actor.’’

‘‘No, Gretta. He’s a famous TV and movie actor. He used to be on a tv show and he’s done a lot of movies. He was the best part of ‘‘Dude, where’s my car?’’ I slurped on my jamba juice and let the cool mango, strawberry, pineapple Energy Blaster roll down my throat. ‘‘Plus, he’s super sexy?’’

‘‘Ya?’’ said Gretta, tossing back her long, blonde pigtails. ‘‘What does HE look like?’’

‘‘He’s tall and thin and sort of nerdy, but in a sexy, nerdy way. He wears glasses and has a curly moptop of sandy, hair on his little head. And his eyes twinkle like two beautiful stars’’’ I trailed off, thinking about Andy in Reality Bites. ‘‘Did you know, Gretta, that he had a sword in The Cable Guy?’’

‘‘Yah?’’ she smiled a big, sexy, broad smile, ‘‘Maybe he will make a baby in you.’’

‘‘Gretta!’’ and I punched her in the arm. She laughed a light, barking Swiss laugh. "Maybe he would," I thought. "If I had anything to do about it."


Chapter 3: Our first scene together.

‘‘You ever watch NEWSRADIO?’’ he asked me.

I thought it wasn’t the best initiation line for a scene, but what the Hell, I’m game. Besides, he’s Andy Dick and he can open up a scene with any line he wants to.

‘‘I saw it once. Was that the one with Brooke Shields on it?’’ I shot back. I opened our Improv refrigerator and took out an Improv Beer, just as I was about to Improv Open it and Improv Drink it, Noah barked out in the darkness.

Noah was our teacher in 5B at ImprovOlympic. He always wore sweaters, even in the summer. The rumor was that he had 4 different PHDs and that he used to drop acid with Del Close and argue about calculus with him. Someone once said he made a reference to the Middle Ages during a show that was so smart, that his scene partner was immediatley struck retarded. Now, that poor soul works in the IO Box Office, where no one stops to talk to him and hear how retarded he is. I was a little afraid of Noah.

‘‘Question!’’ he said. I couldn’t see him, in the darkness. The stage lights were too bright. And the smoke from his pipe was extra thick, that day. He was telling me that I’d asked a question. A big no no at IO. I tried a different line.

‘‘I saw it once. I thought David Spade was funny.’’

‘‘Continue.’’ Said Noah. Pleased.

‘‘Yeah, well. The show you are talking about is called Just Shoot Me. I’m talking about NEWSRADIO, which ran for 4 seasons and won an Emmy for Best Costumes. Did you ever see that?’’

‘‘No, I guess not.’’

‘‘Denial!’’ barked Noah, from out in the darkness. He was telling me to join my partner. Denial is another No No at IO. I backed up and tried again.

‘‘I mean, yes. I saw it and loved it.’’

‘‘Good. Good.’’ Said Noah. "Continue."

‘‘Well, I was on that show and I played Matthew Brock," said Andy Dick. He put his arm behind my neck and caressed by shoulders. I was wearing a tank top. Instantly, my nipples were erect and I forgot to drink my Improv Beer.

Was this really happening?

‘‘I knew you watched the show." he continued, "I could tell by the way that you looked at me. I can tell those sorts of things. I’m an actor.’’ And he moved in to kiss me.

I surrendered to him. I couldn’t think of anything to say. Andy Dick was coming onto me, in our first scene together, on the IO mainstage, in front of my classmates. I could hear the other girls in the class, sucking in an inhalation of breath. They wanted to be me, so badly. Down in my panties, my vagina actually made a ‘‘Burf’’ sound, as I was instantly aroused. I wanted him so badly’.

And then it happened, Jerry the Old Guy Who Is Always Taking Classes, stomped into the scene, ‘‘I’m the Giant Vagina, from the first scene! I’m coming to eat you aaaaaallllll’..’’ and he stomped over to us and pretended to eat us.

Andy dropped to the floor and wiggled around, like he was being chewed up. He cried out in agony. Since he was doing it, I did too. And we convulsed on the floor together. I wanted to kick Jerry in the nuts for editing that scene. Later, after class, he came up to me, to let me ‘‘thank him’’ for saving me in the NEWSRADIO scene, which he said wasn’t going anywhere.

Andy took off after class, to shoot a scene for the movie. We never got to talk about our first scene onstage together, that was cut off by the Giant Vagina.

I vowed that I would show him what a Giant Vagina was really like. I would, indeed.

Chapter 4: We meet, in the night.

Gretta approached me, her long blonde hair hanging in her face. Deep, dark mascara smeared tragically. He boots clop “clopped” as she slowly strode across the room to me.

‘‘Members of Vampire Council. I am officially making the nomination that Angelika Nosferina, daughter of former Lord Vampire, Smirna Nighttrax, has passed the test of Ten Knives and is ready to be made a member of the Council of Tears.’’

She brushed her lily white hand across my face, almost caressing my auburn hair, which was also in my face. I looked down, sheepishly, to show my submission to the Council, but all I could see was the glowing whiteness of my big, beautiful breasts, which were held amazingly aloft by the corset that I wore.

‘‘I should mention, ‘‘said Gretta, ‘‘that we are also lovers. And we make the sex many times and we do not care if you know of it.’’

There were some murmurs of approval from the Council. I could imagine them sitting above us, looking down on us. And down my blouse..

A Child Vampire is not easily made a member of the Council of Tears. True, it helped my case that Homer Mars, who played my Lord, Smirna Nighttrax had moved to play at Second City; Las Vegas, so his character was killed off. With him gone, a seat was now open on the council. Homer introduced me to Vampire: The Role Playing Game. I think he wanted to nail me.

‘‘The Council has heard your request, Davinia Strapthorn, we will convene and decide our answer. The Child will exit the chambers. Also, I need to borrow someone’s cellphone, to call my girlfriend and see if she needs a ride home from work.’’ Said High Priest Brock Christkiller, the head of the Council of Tears. Someone lent him their phone and I left the chambers, to allow them to decide.

In the Antechamber, Gretta approached me. ‘‘Hey there, Sexy Body. I think they are totally going to give you a good vote.’’ She said.

‘‘What was that part about us being lovers?’’

‘‘Eh, the council are all boys and they all want to hump me, so I throw that on, to make them do what I want. Does this thong make my ass look big,’’ she pulled back her cloak to reveal her thong and the expanse of her fleshy thigh and ass cheek. But I didn’t see it, because I was instantly locked onto a mysterious figure who entered the room.

He was tall and thin and wore a green, hooded cloak that hid every bit of his face, except his jutting chin and a full, dark, swarthy moustache. I stood, as if in a trance and stared at him. He stood there at the door, looking me up and down, voraciously.

He made towards me, as if he was strident in his purpose. My breath caught in my throat and I knew he was coming for me. I could not see his eyes, but I knew they were looking me over, like a wolf, looks over a baby rabbit that it is preparing to devour. I was being devoured by this mysterious man.

‘‘I had to come see you,’’ he lisped, under his cloak.

‘‘Who are you?’’ I asked, nearly swooning.

‘‘Yes, buddy, who are you?’’ asked Gretta. Clearly ready to punch out this Good Time Charlie.

‘‘It’s me, Andy Dick,’’ he pulled off the cloak and true enough, it was Andy. He had a thick, black mane of hair and a thick moustache that draped down his face, all the way to his chin. Under his cloak, was a white poets shirt and a tight pair of black leggings. He had on leather boots that went up to mid thigh on him. And a rapier, in a sheathe at his side. ‘‘Sorry about the hair and the moustache. They’re for the movie. I had the costumer throw this together for me. Do I look all right?’’

I smiled at him, ‘‘You look great.’’

‘‘I also had one of the grips roll up a character for me. I’m a NeoDeluvian, Level 12.’’

‘‘Oh my God,’’ I said, ‘‘I’m a NeoDeluvian, Level 12, too. What are your Reflections?’’

‘‘Darkness, Apathy and’’’ he checked a sheet folded up in his hand, ‘‘Pathos.’’

‘‘Mine too!!’’

‘‘Are you going to introduce me to your friend, or have I turned on my Aura of Invisibility here?’’ said Gretta.

‘‘Gretta, this is Andy Dick. He’s very famous. Andy, this is Gretta, she’s Swiss.’’

‘‘Oh my God, your hair is fabulous, ‘‘ said Andy and he caressed her hair. I frowned a bit. Men always looked at Gretta first, even if her tits were smaller than mine.

‘‘Andy, what are you doing here?’’ I asked, anxious to turn my attention away from Gretta.

‘‘I heard you talking about the game to Luikart after class and I wanted to come play. I know Larry Hytrax, the inventor of the game. We were roommates out in LA. So, I know a little bit about the game from living with him. But I’ve never played before. I came because I wanted to say---’’

‘‘Anita, who is your friend?’’ said a familiar voice, from over my shoulder. I knew who it was and this was the worst possible time for him to be here. I briefly considered pretending that I didn’t hear him, in the hopes that he would go away. But I knew he wouldn’t.

‘‘Andy, this is Bob Nelson. Bob, this is my friend, Andy Dick.’’ I couldn’t have shown more dissapointment in that intro, if I’d tried. I gritted my teeth and waited to see how long it would take Bob, to mention IT.

‘‘Hey there, are you the Andy Dick from television?’’

‘‘No, I’m another Andy Dick. But I get that all the time.’’ Said Andy. I smiled at his deception. With the wig and the moustache, you would barely recognize the star.

‘‘Ah well, I see. Sorry about that. This is your first night with the Conclave?’’

‘‘Yes, I’m new to Chicago.’’

‘‘Well, you might not know it yet, but I am the Allfather of this Conclave and I’m sure I don’t have to tell you what that means.’’

‘‘I am Andronicus Dickens and I am in town for two nights of business. I respect and love the Allfather of this Conclave.’’ Said Andy. He knew the proper form of the Benediction like a pro. I was impressed. Beside me I saw Gretta lick her lips. Andy looked away from Bob and over at me, a sly smile spread under his moustache. I’m sure that Bob saw the look, because he leaned over to Andy and whispered’ ‘‘You know, Anita and I used to sleep together.’’

There it was. Worst mistake of my life. I was lonely and horny and new in town and drunk off of the Bloodwyne. It was dark and I thought at first that I was being kissed on the back of my neck by Hans Nelson, the Dark Revenant of the Conclave, but found out, too late, that it was Bob. I figured he was so worked up anyways, by our kissing and gyrating that I mught as well give him what he wanted. It was a Mercy Fuck. He was terrible. I faked it.

‘‘Well, good for you. ‘‘ said Andy, not missing a beat. He stood up and looked at Bob,his eyes flashing, barely hiding his anger. ‘‘I’m sorry to call this meeting off, but I am now enacting the Cone of Silence between Anita and myself.’’

‘‘Sorry Charlie, but we use the hand gestures in this conclave, you have to know them, to Enact a Rite like that.’’ Without answering, Andy made the triangle with one hand over my head and over his own. It was perfect. He knew exactly what he was doing. Even Gretta was impressed. Bobs eyes squinted up. He was pissed off.

‘‘I am enacting my power of Pervado, to secretly listen in on your conversation, ‘‘ he said. He waved his hands over his ears 3 times, to enact the rite.

‘‘Then you are struck deaf, because I had the Spell of Protection enacted to prevent just that.’’ Said Andy.

‘‘How? What ‘“‘‘ stammered Bob. Andy confidently raised his hand and was making the proper hand sigil. Bob recovered.

‘‘I am healing the aural damage with my Augmented Strength and Forcing My Indomitable Will on you.’’ And he stared at Andy intensly to enact Indomitable Will on him.

‘‘Then I have no choice but to Punch you in the face.’’ Said Andy.

‘‘What?’’ said Bob. And Andy punched him in the face, between the eyes. I heard the crack sound of the impact. Bobs eyes fluttered for a second and he fell back, tripping over the sarcophagi.

‘‘Wow,’’ said Gretta. ‘‘You’ll never get on the Council now.’’

‘‘Who cares?’’ said Andy, he reached out for my hand. ‘‘Let’s get out of here.’’

I paused for just a second, the whole Conclave surrounding us, watching, judging. It was like a dream come true. I was being rescued by Andy Dick, from my secret enemies. I took his hand and we dashed for the door, not stopping, until we left the Community Center far behind. Behind us, I could hear Bob bellow, ‘‘Andy Dick is banned from this LARP FOReeeeeeevvvverrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!"

We ran, laughing into the night, our capes flapping in the wind. How was I to know that he would make love to me that very night?

Our bodies slammed against the window of the elevator. I heard the glass give a gentle ‘‘wub wub wub’’ sound, as it settled. His rapier hit the floor with a clatter, but we didn’t care. Our faces mashed together, like we were feeding off of each others energy. I felt his tongue dance around my mouth, probing and searching. I pulled back a bit and sucked on it. His eyes, grew wide for a second, before an angry look of passion settled back in. His hands were on my back, fighting to untie the corset. My legs were entwined with his and I pressed my soft, woman parts onto his thigh.

‘‘Ah Jesus,’’ he moaned and kissed my neck. I looked over his shoulder at the expanse of Chicago that lay there before us as we rose up into the night. I didn’t care who saw us, I wanted this man, like I’d never wanted another person in my life. And it wasn’t because he was a big star, either. It was because he was a man and I was a woman and we were meant to be together.

‘‘Anita. I want you so badly.’’ He said.

‘‘I want you in me,’’ I said back and we resumed a new round of liplock that was torrid and sensual. The heat from our passion steamed up the window where we pressed against it. I could only barely make out the sounds of the elevator floors dinging by as we fumbled with our clothes.

‘‘Goddamit, I can’t get this thing off. There’s too many strings back here. ‘‘ he pulled violently on my corset, which only turned me on more.

‘‘That’s because it zips up the front.’’ And I showed him. I unzipped it slowly, leaning against the door of the elevator, giving him my best, come hither glance. I noticed that the lower the zipper went, the higher the arch of his pants went. He gripped the railing of the elevator in a death lock. His manhood straining against the fabric of his breeches. Finally, I hit the bottom of the corset and pulled it open. My full, white breasts bounced twice and settled into their perfect, natural shapes, pointing to the left and right of him at the same time. ‘‘Holy Shit.’’ He said. And he was right. They were the most perfect breasts at St. Mary’s and they were still the gravity-defying wonders of the world. And they were real too!

Just then, the elevator stopped and the door opened. I toppled backward out of it, ‘‘Whoa!’’ Luckily, it was an express elevator and it opened onto the private foyer of his large suite.

He wasted no time and fell on top of me, kissing my ears and neck and collar bone. Also, my breasts. I could feel the proud hardness of his lance pressed into my belly and I could not wait for it any more. I reached down and freed him from his captivity. My skirt was already raised above my knees, so it was only a matter of pushing my panties aside and contact was made.

Just as he thrust the first time into me, violently, urgently, the doors of the elevator closed on us, at our waists. The sensors registered our lusty obstruction and opened again. Twice more, Andy thrust into me, before the doors closes on us again. The slight pressure at my side, before the release of the doors drove me wild. And that was our rhythm. Two animal thusts from Andy and the doors would press me on the sides and reopen. We must’ve laid there, rutting like desperate animals, his sweat dripping down on me, before he gritted his teeth and looked me in the eyes.

‘‘I..huh..huh’huh’need you’.huh’huh’huh’to do something’huh’for me.’’ He grunted at me.

‘‘Anything, lover, anything.’’

‘‘Tell me I could win an Emmy!’’

‘‘OH baby, you could win an Emmy!’’

‘‘Ahhhh! God! Again!’’ He yelled, his tempo increasing!

‘‘You could win an Emmy! You could win TWO Emmys! Ah!’’ I yelped. He liked that. His tempo increased into violent thrusts, one after the other, in crazy, maniacal spasms of pleasure, while the doors kept closing and opening and closing and opening, his movments becoming more and more crazy. I lost my head.

‘‘Win THAT Emmy! Win THAT Emmy! Win THAT Emmy! ‘‘ I screamed over and over, sensing the impending climax, ‘‘Yes! YES! Win THAT Emmy, Andy! YOU’RE A WINNER!’’

‘‘I’M A WINNERrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!’’ he screamed as he spent. The elevator alarm suddenly sounded a high, electric ring, unstopping. Teeth clenched, fingers dug deeply into my shoulders. His eyes locked on some distant television award ceremony, somewhere over my shoulder. His moustache hanging on only by the a shred off of his right cheek. I shuddered and climaxed and collapsed. For a half hour we lay there, listening to the elevator shiek, feeling the doors open and close, open and close, breathing. Not speaking.

Chapter 5: The Happiest Time of My Life until Andy Dies A Tragic Death!

The next six weeks were the best of my life. Our 5B show, ‘‘Dicky Dickers and the Dick-a-doodles’’ (not my first choice for a name, but it’s what the ‘‘group mind’’ wanted) was a big success. I guess because Andy was there, we sold out every show. Standing room only. Every night he entered stage, they would go wild, clapping and screaming for him. On the second night, Charna was there and she presented him with an Alumni Award. The press was there and they took video of the show and showed it on the news that night. We watched it from the hottub in his room.

He convinced me to quit my job at the Jamba Juice and paid my rent for the next three months. He also gave me ‘‘spending money.’’ So, I was never broke. Truth be told, we had a little fight about it, at first. I told him that I wasn’t a whore. And he said, in his sing song voice that he knew that. ‘‘Whores are much more expensive than you are,’’ which sort of hurt my feelings.

After I stopped crying, he explained to me that he couldn’t stand to be away from me and if I quit my job, he didn’t mind to pay to be around me. He said I was like Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. I guess he forgot that she was a whore too.

But the sex was great and frequent. We made it all over that suite, and in my apartment. Once in the restock room at IO. Once, in the parking structure next to Second City. I went down on him, while he called Pauly Shore once and prank called him. That was pretty cool.

The show was very rewarding too. The last time I saw Andy Dick was the closing night of our 5B show. Noah insisted on giving us notes, after every show. Usually, we were so tired and the crowd was so loud, that we couldn’t really hear what he was saying. But Noah would grunt out a few words, usually with something like, ‘‘Faustian Pact’’ mixed in there and whoever he was looking at would nod their head and say, ‘‘Good idea’’ and Noah would move on.

‘‘Anita,’’ he said. I snapped out of my revery. Andy and I were playing grabass over on the couch together, not paying attention. Noah, instantly, had my attention. ‘‘Anita, that scene with the Talking WoodPlow’.murmur, murmur, murmur’.a better scene without all of your’.murmur, murmur, Gordian Knot, murmur, murmur’ it would be best if you never took an Improv class ever again. And also never performed Improv in the city every again.’’

The whole class gasped. The last part was very clear. Noah stared at me. His rheumy old eyes, watering, a speckle of drool in the corner of his mouth. He was waiting for me to say, ‘‘good idea’’ so he could move on.

I couldn’t speak. I was shocked and heartbroken all at once. I was pretty sure that this meant that I wouldn’t get put on a team either. We sat there forever. Him looking at me. Me looking at him. The rest of the class, looking back and forth between us.

Beside me, Andy coughed quietly. Noah and I and the class looked at him.

‘‘Excuse me, Noah, but I believe you made a mistake there. Sure, I’m a famous tv actor and movie star, but I’m an improviser first. And one thing I know is what you NEVER say to a young improviser after they’ve finished a show. Especially, when you are completely wrong about her.’’ Andy stood up, to look around the class. ‘‘You all think the press and the tons of audience members were here to see me because I’m a famous movie star and tv actor, but you’re wrong. Those people out there weren’t here to see me. They were here to see one thing.’’

‘‘Anita. They were here to see Anita.’’

‘‘While you were all so busy playing Farting Doctors and Wacky Newsmen, Anita was out there every night, playing mothers and wive and girlfriends who were so well played that they appeared to have lives off of the stage. They were so well played, that they completely compenstated for your otherwise, unremarkable army of non-descript mundane characterizations.’’

‘‘But you were all so busy with your nonsense, that you never noticed here. If it weren’t for my highly trained actors instincts, I would’ve missed it too. But I, for one, caught it. And I loved it.’’ ‘‘I love her.’’

He kneeled, in that tiny greenroom and pulled a ring case from his pocket. I could hear the sound of the classes eyes widening.

‘‘Anita, ‘‘ he whispered, ‘‘will you marry me?’’

‘‘Oh Andy. Yes, I will marry you.’’ He slipped the ring on my finger. I looked over to Noah, who smiled a broad smile at me.

‘‘I was just kidding about that note, Anita,’’ he said, ‘‘Andy asked me to say that. You’re the best Improviser I’ve ever had the honor of teaching. Truth is, you’ve taught me, the past two months. You’ve taught me. Congratulations, kids.’’

The whole class lept up and roared their approval. They say it was so loud, that Jamie, at the bar, was heard to say aloud, ‘‘Jesus, what the Hell are they doing out there’’ as he poured a $5 Budweiser for a customer.

As we prepared to leave IO, after that last show together, Andy and I were at the height of our elation. He put my coat on me and stopped me at the door, leaving out of IO.

‘‘Hang on, baby, I’ll go get our limo. I don’t want you slipping on the ice.’’ And he walked out of the door. I heard the scream of car tires, sliding, a dull thud, and a woman screamed. My heart sank, like a piece of lead, thrown into the Chicago River. A heavy piece of lead. I ran outside to find Andy pinned under the front half of the limo. His face was white and he coughed and wheezed because the car was crushing his chest.

‘‘I couldn’t stop. I tried, but I couldn’t,’’blubbered the limo driver. ‘‘He came out and was skipping, he looked so happy. He slipped on a patch of ice and fell into the street. I couldn’t stop in time.’’

‘‘Back it up. Back up the car. We can still save him.’’ I screamed!

‘‘No, don’t back it up,’’ said a kindly old, passing doctor, ‘‘That tire is the only thing holding him together. If you back it up, he’ll die immediately. As it stands, you only have a few more minutes with him. Make it count.’’

‘‘Anita? Are you there, Anita?’’ Gasped Andy.

‘‘I’m here, Andy.’’ The impact must’ve struck him blind.

‘‘Something hit me.’’ He said.

‘‘It was the limo, Andy. The limo hit you.’’

‘‘Dammit!’’ he said.

‘‘Baby, you don’t have a lot of time. I need to say a few things to you, before I lose you completely.’’ I said. Hot, salty tears, started streaming down my face. They spattered, hot onto my large breasts. ‘‘Andy, these past two months were the best of my entire life. You taught me so much about how to be a woman. To love and to be loved. To have and to have not. When I met you, I was a girl, working her life away at a Jamba Juice. Now, I am a woman who was almost married to a famous tv and movie actor. I was and always will be yours, Andy.’’

‘‘Anitaaaaa, say it again’.for me.’’ His gasped. His hand trembling as he tried to reach up for my hair.

‘‘And the winner’ahuh ahuh ahuh’for Best Comedic Actor’ahuh ahuh ahuh’is’’’ I was crying so hard now.

‘‘Say it..’’ he whispered.

‘‘Andy Dick!’’ I yelled. I turned my head up and screamed it up to the skies. ‘‘The Winner for Best Comedic Actor is Andddddeeeeeeeee Dddiiiiccccccckkkk!!!’’

Slow, quiet snowflakes fell as my love was taken from me. All of Clarke street was still, even the cabs, as one of the Great Ones left us. His life force slipped out of his broken shell and went up to Improv Heaven, where Chris Farley, Phil Hartman and David Spade were all waiting to initiate a Heavenly Scene with him.

We, poor players, we strut and fret our brief lives on the stages of Chicago. Sometimes, some brief times, we touch greatness and sometimes it touches us. But whether we do the touching or are the one who is touched, the touch lasts too short a time and we are reduced to the person we were before we were touched and always we suffer for it. My two months of life and love with Andy Dick were magical. I will cherish them forever. And I will marry no other man, for I was promised to one who was taken away and no man can ever replace him. I am already a bride. I will be Anita Dick until the day I die.



In Memoriam, Andy Dick.
12/21/1965 - 12/07/2006